Written then Spoken

List with Angela for Summer 2012 

1. Beach 
2. Disneyland/World of Color 
3. Sushi 
4. Boiling Crab 
5. LACMA 

On July 12th, I met the most important boy of my life. Ryan Edward Hsu ^_^<3 My first impression of him wasnt great, I thought he was just the boy on the ipod. However as I got talking to him, he was a little bit awkward, a little bit dorky, a little bit… too adorable. He had long short asian haircut, the kind of haircut that I love. He listened to what I had to say, and I was able to really be myself… around him. I started just flirting with him a little, I was juggling my thoughts between other boys at that moment in my life, so when he asked me on a date, I just felt… so special. It was “hangout” not a date, but it sure was. Paying for my movie tickets… and that moment he asked me if I liked him. Of course I did. I had the worst butterflies in the world that night. But it felt amazing as I told him, and hugged him, and left. I smiled so much that night, and my mom thought I was crazy. Many dates after, the more and more I liked to be with him. I felt so special, and this relationship was different than my last. He didnt ask me to be his girlfriend. He didnt pressure me into anything. He didnt even try to kiss me. Not even a hand hold. I told he would kiss me on August 22. Then September. October. November. December. And then eventually just knew he would kiss me by the end of the year. Before summer ended for sure. The unexpected on prom night<3 But before that, we went through the school year meeting every weekend. We went to Chino Hills Shoppes a lot, he paid for all my movie tickets, told me out to eat dinner. Sometimes I would hang out with his friends. To me, in my mind, this is the most perfect relationship. He didnt text me every day, only every other, sometimes more. We gave each other enough space, to continue living our life in the semi long distance relationship. I would always get butterflies an hour before we were supposed to meet. He is never late to bringing me back back. He would come into my room, and we would lay on the bed doing nothing at all. On June 19th, he texted me at 2:30am, Before I sleep, I just wanted to tell you that I love you. :) and I look forward to the summer with your wondrous presence. Who says that? That night I was excited with all this joy, I didnt reply because I just didnt know what to say back. I wasnt going to say it back over text. Im really happy he said it over text first, because when he said it in person the next day, I was just smiling and surprised, not surprised that I was just shocked. I love you too. And this love… its real. Nine months after knowing each other, knowing all these little things about each other… it really is love isnt it? We spent a wonderful summer together, full of fun dates, lazy dates, and every moment was precious. On September 1st, 2011, he left for New York. Our semi long distance turned into a long distance relationship. Some may say there’s nothing left for us, but I disagree. Ryan and I are going to get through this distance together. Get through college, the rough miles, its only going to get harder from here. I miss him all the time. I cry when I read the things that he posts on tumblr, the letters he wrote to me, its hard to be strong. I miss his warm hugs, his kisses, his smile. The feel of his hand intertwined with mine, his legs with mine, his body warmth. Now, he talks to me everyday. Text, aim, or calls, which I hope he will call me more. Oovoo is about the same isnt it? He’s so cute, and seeing him only makes me miss him. From the moment he decided to apply to ED NYU, I knew that would mean a long distance relationship. He was bound to get in, thats what I thought. I knew what I was getting myself into. There are many reasons why I love him, I actually had 87 reasons that I wrote on paper and sent it in a little glass bottle for him. I wonder if he ever read them all. He loves cheesy romance movies, and I honestly think that is such a bonus, because we can watch the same types of movies together. Ill never have to watch an action movie with him ever. (for now) He loves (loved…) music, and he would show me some amazingly touching songs. He’s so knowledgable, which makes me feel dumb sometimes. He has a really calming oura around him, that makes it easy for me to be comfortable around him. He likes to tease me, play point games without ever giving me points, like to play little games with me. He likes to say he’ll give me a noogie, which he always forgets. He looks so so so adorkable in his glasses. It always takes us an hour to get comfortable around each other, before we kiss or hold hands. I think were the most comfortable to kiss only on a bed, which is funny I think. We’re going to have to change that soon, maybe a few pecks in public would be nice. He’s given my Bluebo, my most prized possession, the only thing that I need to stay asleep. There are things that remind me of him everywhere, the little heart, a picture frame, pictures. He gave me a camera, and book, and just everything reminds me of him in a way. Ive lived my life with him just… I cant believe it. Time seems to have flown by, but at the same time, it feels like we have been together longer than 17 months. One thing I really appreciate about Ryan, he hasnt pressured me to do anything. He doesnt even take the inicitive to kiss me first most of the time. Sometimes I feel like Im more physical than he is. Though Im sure he likes it that way too. He hasnt pressured me to the more intimate things, and for that, Im so grateful. He even asked me if its okay for him to put his hand in my butt pocket. Or touch my belly button. Those little things, its so sweet to me. He tells me when he is going to hang out with his girl friend, which I think is really sweet too. His life in New York much be crazy tough, and he must miss living in California, and being able to see me. I miss him so much. Thinking about him makes me… just sad. Im thinking about him 24/7, literally. I smile thinking about him. Tears start to form when I think about how much I miss him. He makes me so happy, and I feel so lucky, and I just know that we’ll be able to get through things together. It’ll be tough, but it doesnt mean that we’re not going to try. Its almost Valentine’s Day, and Im getting him a really sweet gift I think. He’s going to love it. I remember last Valentine’s Day, we went to the hill and ate oreos together. Then we watched Leap Year together. The memories that I remember with him are the things that we do together, events. But in simple, I like to do nothing and lay on his bed, my bed, just cuddling and talking to each other. It may pass the time too quickly, I may not remember all the moments we just cuddle, but it makes me the happiest. Life is so long and I look forward to the future. My future with Ryan. One day, Im going to marry him. 

In the mood to type about my past relationship with Tim. Sometimes I think back to this, the relationship I had, and realize how long ago this was. The date was 10/8/09… and he ended things roughly around 2/14/11… or was it… 2/17… something Im not too sure now. I dont know why I got with someone I didnt really like. I just was interested in him, since no guy had told me he liked me at the time. I remember him being so physical with me, the minds of a curious horny boy. When we got together, I must have been this mess of a girl. young and naive, dressed really horribly I remember, and just not… me while I was with him. He told me he loved me the day after he got with me, way too fast, but of course back then I didnt know the difference between liking someone, and the true meaning of love. We would text 24/7, always flirting, always sweet with each other. Our relationship was based on texting. We were together during passing period, just walking to class. Locker, class. Locker, class. He would give me a hug before every class, and I remember just waiting for a kiss. Oh gosh. How stupid could I have been. Sophomore year we moved into my locker, but then to his when my locker broke. We even had a galaxy in mine. He touched me really fast into the relationship, during that movie actually. I just kinda didnt say anything. What was I supposed to do. I remember him wanting to kiss me but I backed off. Jazz band concert was the first kiss. And it was weird. He said that he likes it but I thought it was weird. He never really stayed true to me, kissing Michelle and then Lanny. Of course he wouldnt tell me about it. I did find out on her phone tho, and I deleted all the messages that day during biology class. In a way I guess he did care about me. There were a few months in our relationship that were really great. However I was different in person than over text. He pressured me to do a lot of things though, and I didnt want to do it. He gave me time, he said. But in the end just told me that he didnt want to keep waiting around. He talked about forever a lot, which led me to believe he wouldnt leave me. Its weird. When he broke up with me on Valentine’s Day, I was out to sushi with my family. I went to the bathroom and cried while my mother was there next to me. I was scared for change, and thats why I kept telling myself I needed to be with him. I didnt have to. Really. Im so happy that Cindy told me, never to go back to him, unless he does something life changing. He never did. We never really talked after the breakup. Sometimes we would, and he liked to rub it in my face that he had a new girlfriend. It was hard. I blocked him on facebook just so I didnt have to see his every move. He said that she was prettier than me, more open than me, and gave him what he wanted. Well no shit, a slut would give him everything. Its been a while since Ive talked to him. We used to still wave but now I completely ignore him. An ex is an ex for a reason. Sometimes I still wonder if he will ever give me the closure between us. I feel as if we just let it go. Its fine, I dont need to really talk to him ever again. Now I just want to make sure he is miserable. He once texted me saying that he was wrong to break up with me. That I did love him unconditionally. I did. But maybe it wasnt love. Im not too sure about it. Either way, I am so glad that I stayed true to myself. I didnt give up what I really believed in, even tho I did some little things that I really didnt want to. Peer pressure they say. Being with him definately helped me tho, since now I am much stronger in terms of my heart. And I took everything I learned from this relationship, and now Im so so so much better off. 

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

- Your Love by Nicki Minaj 

- I See You by Leona Lewis 

- The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars 

- Everywhere by Michelle Branch 

- Hold It Against Me by Britney Spears 

- Listen by Charice 

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Emma Stone. 

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“But even not knowing about the rebels, it didnt feel right.” 

4) What do you think about most?

How Ryan is doing. 

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?

Its from Dan, saying “:p because tkd is fun” 

6) Do you sleep with ____ or without ______  on?

Ill say I dont if it is the word I think it is. 

7) What’s your strangest talent?

I can knit. HAHA. 

8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)

“Girls are confusing. Boys are simple.” 

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Nope. 

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Last time I party rocked. 

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

Fear of Balloons…. 

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

Ummm. I HOPE NOT. 

13) What’s your religion?

I dont consider myself believing in one. 

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

I would be staring at the stars. (literally) or at Emily’s house. 

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

I like the editting process. 

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

I dont know. D: 

17) What was the last lie you told?

That… Im not too sure. 

18) Do you believe in karma?

Yes. And Karma is a bitch. 

19) What does your URL mean?

its just my username for everything. 

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Im emotional sometimes, yet Im a strong girl. 

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Ryan Gosling. Brad Cooper. Michael Cera. Oh wait. HARRY SHUM JR. 

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

I would if I had my own pool. 

23) How do you vent your anger?

I vent it to my girlfriends. to my journal. and through music. 

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

NAIL POLISHES. DVDS. BOOKS. :D MUSICCCCCC

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

I prefer which ever is the easiest. But video chatting is more fun. And phone calls are… sweet. 

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Yes. 

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

my alarm. the sound of your voice. 

28) What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I tried hard in school. Would my dream come true? 

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

No and no. 

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Pencil case, math homework. 

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?

Nothing. The smell of my room. 

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

Parking lot of Flamingo. LOLOL. 

33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast for life. for now. 

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

I dont know. 

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

Live, laugh… love. 

36) Define Art.

Art is … abstract art is so dumb. sorry. 

37) Do you believe in luck?

I do, but I never have luck. D; 

38) What’s the weather like right now?

Its beautiful. Thank you So Cal. 

39) What time is it?

10:15pm 

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Yes. No. 

41) What was the last book you read?

Hunger Games 

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?

I DO. I LOVE IT. 

43) Do you have any nicknames?

Nessy. Nessa. Van. Van Van. Yuan. 

44) What was the last movie you saw?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 

45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Sprained my ankle… while in dance class. 

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?

No. Ryan has… Im a butterfly ;) 

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Nail polish. Constant obsession. 

48) What’s your sexual orientation?

Straight. 

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Yeah, that I broke my leg in 8th grade. And a bunch of crush things in the past, people suck. 

50) Do you believe in magic?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC…. like the song…. 

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Yes. But I forgive if they apologize. 

52) What is your astrological sign?

Capricorn. 

53) Do you save money or spend it?

SPEND. but Im a good saver too. Lets just say I know how to balance it all out. 

54) What’s the last thing you purchased?

Knit sweater from Hollister. 

55)  Love or lust?

Love. 

56) In a relationship?

Yes :) 

57) How many relationships have you had?

2

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

I cant. 

59) Where were you yesterday?

I was at school. Then Emily’s house. 

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Everything is within 10 feet of me. 

61) Are you wearing socks right now?

Who wears socks? 

62) What’s your favorite animal?

Tiger. because of tigger. 

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I dont think I have one. I guess Im just a good conversation-er so I keep the conversation alive. Keeping it from unawkward ness. 

64) Where is your best friend?

She is home. :) 

65) Spit or swallow?(;

HAHA swallow it. 

66) What is your heritage?

Im chinese. 

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

I was on oovoo with … someone. OH I WAS WATCHING YOUTUBE VIDEOS. 

68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Satan Satan. 

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

HAHA sure you know. all the time. 

-________________-

wtf. 

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

I hope so. I think Im a good friend. I hope. 

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

I cant get fired. Am I then called heartless for not saving the dog? I cant let myself be in a position to be fired. Especially living paycheck to paycheck. As much as it would hurt to leave the dog, if I dont go to work - Ill be drowning myself in a canal of debt. 

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

Yes I would. I would not waste any time… I would not sleep. And … I would be afraid. but more afraid of how different… my friend’s lives will be without me. 

73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

love. 

74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Im sexy and I know it. 

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

1234567890

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Commitment. Communication. Trust. & Love. 

77) How can I win your heart?

You cant. 

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

No… crazy people are not creative. I think. 

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Volunteering at the Rowland Heights Library. 

80) What size shoes do you where?

THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE. I wear size 6 

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

RIP. Vanessa. I guess. 

82) What is your favorite word?

love. 

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

love. 

84) What is a saying you say a lot?

It changes from time to time. 

85) What’s the last song you listened to?

Not sure, a song on Ryan’s CD. 

86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

pink. PINK. PINK»>

87) What is your current desktop picture?

its a picture of the beach, when I went on my birthday. 

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

oh… you know…. i dont know actually. xD 

89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Im pretty open, actually. I dont like sharing past mistakes, to people I dont really know. 

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

go back to sleep. 

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

FLYING. 

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

:) 

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

That one night.

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? LOL. no one. 

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Vacation in… anywhere with Ryan. 

96) Do you have any relatives in jail?

No. 

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

No.

98) Ever been on a plane?

Yes. 

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

I dont know. I cant think.

100) Give me your top 5 favorite blogs on Tumblr.

MINE….and… i dont know. 

Its winter break. Can you give me a fucking break? I guess not.

Shit just got real if he’s crying over you.

(Source: tedeezy, via tedeezy)

I havent been in the mood to write. Sit down and write down my feelings. I can feel myself starting to get lazy. And sometimes I just like to type it out. Since it is so much easier now. I woke up to no text messages. No one texting me at all… its weird. Ryan never called me back. So Im feeling very lonely. Thats just what happens during the holidays. So I guess I shouldnt be expecting anything. Its good Im not texting anyone anyways. My only friend is music anyways. But honestly I hate period cramps. I feel like utter shit right now. 

Dec 18th

How old were you when you had your first relationship?
I was 14. 

Are you taken/single?
Taken. 

How old were you when you had your first kiss?
I was 14. 

What color is your underwear?
Pink and green. Strawberries. 

Do you like anyone right now?
Yes. 

Ever had your heartbroken?
Heartbroken… something I wish I didnt have to deal with. Ive had too many. 

Miss anyone right now?
Of course. Im just thinking if he misses me right now. 

Who was the last person you sent a text to?
Erika.

Last person to text you?
Ryan. 

Last person you saw?
Valerie. 

What was the last thing you said to someone?
“Do you have pads?” 

Who do you trust the most in your life?
Erika and Angela. 

Who do you love most?
My friends. 

Ever been in love?
Yes. 

Who has hurt you the most?
Its hard to tell. 

Has a tragedy ever happened in your life?
Not a tragedy. But heartache. 

Are you happy?
I dont know. 

How many good friends do you have?
Erika. Emily. Dansel. Angela. Sophie? 

Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone?
I have a lot of songs. 

Have you ever cheated on a partner?
Never.

Ever been cheated on?
Fuck you if you do.

Ever been told someone loved you?
Yes.

Ever told someone you loved them and meant it?
Yes. 

Not meant it?
Yes.

Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now?
I’m happy. but not either. 

What is your idea of true love?
This. 

When they slip, do you think you can let go the small stuff?
Im quite forgiving. 

Do you believe in love at first sight?
No. 

Why or why not?
I dont know about you, but first sight to me is appearances. And that’s deceiving. 

Do you believe that it is best to have a friendship first then love?
No. Start with a relationship. Dont ruin something good like a friendship… those dont work out. Esp in high school. 

Do you believe that love can be found in bars or is that too much of a risk?
Bars = sex. 

Should people go to bars to find love?
Are you that desperate? 

Or should they go to places where people who like what they like hang out?
Dont be looking… jk. Yeah. 

Should men and women be expecting the other to buy the other gifts?
Gifts are reassuring. But there must be love first.. 

Who should wear the pants in the relationship or should it be a mutual give and take?
Give and take. 

(Source: keenlysayrawrr)